How to Tell If He’s a Hot Guy or Just a Simple Coat Rack

Just a coat rack with a coat on it. Not a guy or anything
Just a coat rack with a coat on it. Not a guy or anything

So you and your girlfriends decide to hit up a new bar and take advantage of its happy hour offerings. For a Thursday it’s surprisingly busy, but you don’t mind. You order a mulled wine and some cauliflower buffalo wings, which the waitress says are the most popular on the happy hour menu (weird bar!). You and your friends begin to catch up, and just as Rachel’s about to start talking about her work drama, you feel a cool wind rush through the bar. A large party has entered causing the entire bar to momentarily turn towards the entrance. The party disperses and that’s when you see him, standing there, by the door. He’s tall, dark and handsome, and he seems to be looking right at you. You smile and bashfully turn away, but slowly glance back at him to find that he’s still there and still looking. You allow your gaze to linger on him longer this time. He’s wearing a thick coat and a hat. Mysterious and sexy, you think. As you turn your attention back to your table and start planning your life with your shadowy new companion, a thought creeps into your mind: Wait, was that a guy or a coat rack?

Here are four questions you can ask yourself to determine if mister mysterious is your prince charming or if he’s just a simple coat rack.

1. Is he looking at me?

This should be the first thing you look for. Is he looking at you, and, more importantly, can you see that he has eyes? Confirming the presence of eyes is important because coat racks don’t have eyes; only humans and other animals have them. So if you can confirm that he has eyes, chances are high that you’re dealing with a sentient being, most likely a human.

*Tip* Sometimes hat decor, coat buttons, and other ornaments can appear to be eye-like. Look closely to rule out any chances of faux eyes fooling you.

2. Has He Moved?

As you continue to glance seductively over towards the door, take note of where he’s standing. If he’s moved since the last time you looked, it’s a pretty good indicator that you’re dealing with a bag of flesh and bones (emphasis on the bone). If he’s remained by the door in a catatonic stupor for an unusual amount of time, he is probably, in fact, just a rack for hanging coats.

*Tip* Be careful not to confuse swaying with moving. If you see him remain by the door, merely rocking back and forth a little when others go in or out, he’s probably not dancing; he’s probably a coat rack.

3. Does He Have Friends?

This is an important question to ask with all potential suitors, but especially when determining if Mr. Right is actually an inanimate object used for holding outerwear. So ask yourself, have you seen other people hanging out near this guy? If the answer is yes, you may have a real boy! If the answer is no, you may be dealing with a coat rack.

*Tip* Watch out for people who may seem like his friend but only stay with him for a few seconds, and “pat him on the back,” while subsequently increasing or decreasing his girth. It’s likely that these “friends” are simply patrons, utilizing the coat rack for its coat rack abilities.

4. Am I wearing my glasses?

Okay, but seriously are you wearing your glasses or contacts? Yes, you can technically “see,” but corrective lenses are made to help people pick up on acute details, which really come in handy when determining if you’re in the presence of a potential lover or just a rack of coats.

*Tip* Seriously, put your glasses on. It’ll make all of this a lot clearer.

What to do if he’s a coatrack

If you’ve concluded that it was a simple coat rack merely posing as a seductive suitor, it’s fine. Totally defensible. Listen, hun, we’ve all made the mistake of assuming an in-use coat rack was a hunky man making eyes at us from the corner. It’s really not a big deal. It’s happened before, and it might happen again. Now tune back in; I think Rachel just said she fought someone at work.

What to do if he’s not a coatrack

If you’ve established that you’re working with a human male, and he’s still staring at you from the same general corner of the bar, it’s probably best to stop stealing glances at him. In fact, it may even be best for you to leave the bar. This man is displaying a very unusual emotional response and you seem to be at the center of it. Do not attempt to go through the front door! Since he’s guarding the front door, ask your server to escort you to the kitchen exit, and maybe even ask for someone to walk with you to your car.

Freelance writer, designer, strategist, comedian. “Insightfully funny” — My Mom. laurencrainm.contently.com

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